Filk and Cookies

by Vanessa Cardui

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COOKIES MIGHT BE GREAT FOR KIDS, BUT FILK IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD. Some of these songs are naughty and filthy and bad. Children, stay away!

I'm not making all of the tracks on Filk and Cookies available digitally, so for your information, here is the complete track list:

1. In Defense of Buffy Season 1
2. Ode to Spot
3. Super Mandolin Bros.
4. Molasses
5. The History of Red Dwarf
6. The Tywin Lannister Experience
7. Check Out All His Majesty
8. The Dragon-Slayer
9. Gibbet In Style
10. The Derelict
11. Elsinore
12. The Swan Egg
13. I Am A Tombstone
14. That Hat Makes You Look Like An Idiot

credits

released July 5, 2014

If you get off on Joss Whedon, Star Trek, Red Dwarf, and Game of Thrones, but also on Shakespeare, history, ancient literature, piracy, and general foul-mouthed insolence, then we should get along just fine.

©2014 Vanessa Cardui (K. Vanessa Farkas, SOCAN) with Pink Radio Records. All rights reserved.
Recorded and produced in Canada by Vanessa Cardui and the voices in her head.
Art and graphic design by Elorps.

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Track Name: In Defense of Buffy Season 1
I’ve been called out to justify
Why I’m still watching Season 1 of Buffy
I’ll give you one reason why,
As if Joss Whedon wasn’t reason enough:
It’s that I kinda miss the ‘90s
Don’t you kinda miss the ‘90s too?

So why not get nostalgic with me,
Watching Season 1 of Buffy?
Yes I’ll admit that we could hardly make a cheesier choice,
But that’s part of its charm, part of its charm
At this point I’m going to set about making my case
And start twisting your arm

Cheerleaders catching fire
Techno-Pagans and hyena people
Turbulent teen desire
And praying mantises who rob the cradle
And a demon in the Internet
So haven’t I convinced you yet?

That’s all before Season 2
Back when the Scoobies were new
Demon-fighting virgins at the centre of mystical convergence
The Slayer and her Hellmouth crew
Back when they bothered to keep
The secret of her identity
And Willow was a socially awkward heterosexual Jew

Darkness and horror of darkness
Unfolding restless visitant
Sped by an ill wind in haste, ill wind in haste
You can take it or leave it I guess, it’s just a matter of taste
Track Name: The Tywin Lannister Experience
The Conqueror had dragons, but so does he
His obliterative brand of diplomacy
Always leaves you either dead or an employee

He’s Tywin, Tywin, Tywin Lannister
Rich and clever, proud and sinister
He shits gold, his horse shits lavender
And even his spit has a lustre
He’s Tywin, Tywin, Tywin Lannister
No one else is more dishonester
Treasonous, despotic ancestor
To up-jumped royal bastards

He’ll tell you that a Lannister pays his debts
Then he’ll set you on fire so you won’t forget
Burn your city to the ground and not break a sweat

He’s Tywin, Tywin, Tywin Lannister
With seven kingdoms to administer
No one skins deer faster
And he’ll do the same thing to your hamster
He’s Tywin, Tywin, Tywin Lannister
Shame that Stark boy got defenestered
When he saw his kids do
Things you shouldn’t do when you’re brother and sister

He’s Tywin, Tywin, Tywin Lannister
Sliding up and down the bannister
There’s not much that rhymes with Lannister
At least he’s not a Greyjoy
Track Name: The Dragon-Slayer
I think it’s time to slay the dragon
I think it’s time to take a stand
He’s been eating all our babies, pretty girls and little old ladies,
And it’s time someone faced him like a man
Someone skillful and courageous
Whom all your young ones can admire
Someone’s got to have the stones to save our families and our homes
Because that motherfucker breathes fire!

My mount is mighty and majestic
I wield a long and rigid lance
No warrior of our time has got a sword as great as mine
And I’ve got lucky fire-retardant slaying pants
I was born and I was raised here
I’d give my life to save this town
And since that dragon started raidin’, we’ve been short on blushing maidens,
So my sword and I are taking him down!

I think it’s time to slay the dragon
I think it’s time to take a stand
He’s been eating all our babies, pretty girls and little old ladies,
And it’s time someone faced him like a man
Someone skillful and courageous
Whom all your young ones can admire
Someone’s got to have the stones to save our families and our homes
Because that motherfucker breathes fire!

He flaps his wings and stirs up windstorms!
He’s got more teeth than I’ve got hair!
He’s made meals of every knight who’s tried to take him in a fight,
But I don’t care!

I’ll take him face to face with honour
With all my chivalry and tact
And if that doesn’t do the trick, I’ve got a giant cork to stick
Into his throat, and force the blast back down his tract!
I’m at the goddamn lizard’s doorstep
I’m wearing ninety pounds of steel
My good old squire has brought along a ladle and a pot
‘Cause dragon gumbo makes a mighty fine meal!

I’m here to slay a fucking dragon!
He should be with us presently...
‘Cause I’ve brought along for bait a pretty virgin on a stake
And I’m pretty sure she’s coming home with me!

Someone’s got to slay the dragon!
Someone’s got to face this test!
He’s been eating all our babies, pretty girls and little old ladies,
And deserves to be done in by the best!
Someone skillful and courageous
Whom all your young ones can admire
Someone’s got to have the stones to save our families and our homes
Because that motherfucker breathes fire!
Track Name: Elsinore
Mark my words and find me honest,
Break my heart, or bring me justice!

Let father wise and brother strong be pillars by my side,
If he with lips of columbine should take me for his bride!
My virtue as a violet that withers in desire,
To flaming youth I am as wax and melt in mine own fire!

If I could leave behind the echoes in my mind,
And flesh could melt away to mingle with the clay,
My dirge would rise to meet a melody so sweet
As ever could be sung, but I must hold my tongue!

My words fly up, my thoughts below,
False words will not to heaven go!

Oh, what a noble heart is here o’erthrown!
It hath been paralyzed and fallen still!
His name doth bleed upon the frozen ground,
And night hath made descent upon his brow.
So bear him like a soldier to the stage,
With those he loved, who loved him, and were slain.
Some have gone to heaven, some to hell,
But prince and cause will hover in between.
And I, who loved, am left to stand alone,
And cry his words to spaces yet unknown.
Track Name: I Am A Tombstone
While you live, do as you may.
There’s no gift so precious as this day.
Drink it in before it flows away.
Life is short and only ends one way.
Track Name: That Hat Makes You Look Like An Idiot
It’s red and orange and yellow,
Delightfully ill-suited to your complexion,
Made by some industrious Browncoat
To keep you warm at this chilly convention.
I smile and I wave and, to get your attention,
With only the purest of friendly intentions,
Call over the crowd - I’ll admit, a bit loud -
“That hat makes you look like an idiot!”

It’s red and orange and yellow,
Made with love by a criminal’s mother,
It’s a hat that we wear for the love that we share
For a ship, and a crew, and each other,
It’s whimsical, cheerful, and charming,
But nobody really looks good in it,
So shout out with pride what cannot be denied,
“This hat makes us all look like idiots!”
This hat makes us all look like idiots!

I’m crestfallen, embarrassed, forlorn and contrite
At the way that your face just descended.
It would seem that insulting your very fine hat
Did not break the ice as intended.
I meant what I said with the utmost sincerity,
All in the spirit of fan solidarity.
Guess you don’t know I was quoting the show,
And that makes us both look like idiots.

It’s red and orange and yellow,
Made with love by a criminal’s mother,
It’s a hat that we wear for the love that we share
For a ship, and a crew, and each other,
It’s whimsical, cheerful, and charming,
But nobody really looks good in it,
So shout out with pride what cannot be denied,
“This hat makes us all look like idiots!”
This hat makes us all look like idiots!

I’m not in the habit of making cruel jokes,
And especially not to one’s face,
And you must have found my critique, so to speak,
Unforgivably lacking in grace,
But one day you’ll walk in on a shindig or marathon,
Think of that hat that you bought at that Comicon,
Slowly deposit your face in your palm,
And say to yourself, “I’m an idiot.”

It’s red and orange and yellow,
Made with love by a criminal’s mother,
It’s a hat that we wear for the love that we share
For a ship, and a crew, and each other,
It’s whimsical, cheerful, and charming,
But nobody really looks good in it,
So shout out with pride what cannot be denied,
“This hat makes us all look like idiots!”
This hat makes us all look like idiots!

You can say that it sits pretty cunning,
But you can’t say you really look good in it,
That hat makes you look like an idiot,
That hat makes you look like an idiot.